On Starting Over (again)

I've mentioned in my past posts that I have a finished novel and have been querying agents for a few months now. I finally got some (minor) feedback from a couple of agents, and they both said the same thing: they didn't connect with my main character's voice.

So. (I've said that a lot lately) SO.

I decided to rewrite Wicked Illusions. Again. For the fifth time.

The past rewrites? ALL of them have given me a complete 180 turnaround on my manuscript, making it better. And better. And better again.

So when I sat down to write it this time, I started out excited. Like, *really* excited. I just knew that this time I would have the draft that would take me somewhere. But you guys, I this draft is NOT better. It's probably the worst thing I've ever written. It's like I've forgotten how write or something. I keep second guessing myself and rewriting sentences over and over on an endless cycle of sentence-structure-doom. I've lost all my prose, and instead of being happy to write about these characters, I find myself choosing to stare out the window or eat cheerios or scrub the toilet or ANYTHING but work on this fracking novel.

And I think it's because I've already said all I have to say about it. Sure, there a couple of scenes from the last draft that I've gotten better ideas for and know that I could make better. But rewriting it from Blank Page One? It's just not working.

SO.

I am going to try to fix those scenes I mentioned above, morph it into first person present instead of first person past (I've been wishing I'd done this for a long time) and then focus on making Lilly's speech less formal and making her more proactive in certain situations.

But I'm not rewriting the whole thing again. I can't. I'm giving myself one month to do these things, send it to my crit partner, then query the last five agents on my list (and one agent who has already read it, but has graciously agreed to read it again after the edits).  And then...

If it doesn't work out this time, I'm laying it aside. Come February 12th, I'm not looking at it again unless an agent requests it. Y'all, I LOVE this story. I've said it before. But I mostly love it the way it is, and I don't WANT to change the way it is inside my head. If my very best try doesn't make other people love it as much as I do, then that's okay. I want people to love it, but it's more important that I love it *the most*.

So here's to hoping that the *new* draft #5 (which will only differ slightly from draft #4) will be good. But if it has to live forever in my head and in the heads of the few friends and family members that have read it and love it, that's okay with me too. There are plenty of other stories waiting to burst out of this ole brain of mine.