Can’t I Just Stay Home and Read All Day?

I grew up being the type of bookish nerd who wouldn’t eat dinner until I had a battered, well-read paperback or a freshly checked-out library book propped against my plate. I would stay up until the wee hours of the morning, devouring as many words as I could. My mom even grounded me from pleasure reading once because my grades were slipping. But somewhere along the way, I became distracted by social media, Netflix, and trying to write my own words, and I lost my love of reading. 

Well, I guess I can’t say I LOST my love of it, because I stil inhaled books by my favorite authors the day they hit the shelves—but it just didn’t have the same spark that it used to. Maybe it was because Writer Stefanie started to internally edit every book I read, or maybe I felt the very strong doubt of Imposter Syndrome, which made my own work (which was beginning to be rejected by more literary agents than I’d like to admit) feel dull and lifeless. 

But recently, I regained that love of reading that I first found so long ago. I’ve been devouring as many books as I can, and I can’t seem to get enough. In fact, I’ve read three 300 page books in the last 72 hours. It’s like I am trying to catch up on all those years of only reading two or three books here and there. And thankfully, I no longer feel like it’s making my own words less shiny—I actually feel the opposite. Reading every day again has begun to refill my creativity well, which I’ll admit was getting a bit dusty from the sting of rejection. 

Thank you, writers, for creating worlds for us to escape to, especially in light of our current political situation. Books make the hard days a little easier to bear, and even if I never get traditionally published like I’ve always dreamed, I’m glad that I get to be a part of that group of dreamers. 

“They say that dreaming is free, but I wouldn’t care what it cost me.” -Paramore, “26”

Trying (and failing) To Get An Agent

When I first decided that I wanted to be a novelist, finding the time to write was the hardest thing.

Then when I figured that out, getting past the halfway point on a story was the hardest thing.

Then when I made it to the end of my first novel, editing was the hardest thing (it was too hard to take a step back and see my first novel for what it was--a steaming pile of crap).

Then when my manuscript was finally polished, came the hardest thing so far, which still rings true seven years later: 

Querying Agents

I gave it my favorite Jurassic Park .gif and put it in huge, bold letters because it is the scariest, most nerve-wracking thing I have ever done (so far, at least). I have written 12 different versions of the query letter I sent for my first manuscript, and 5 versions for my second manuscript. No particular one seemed to pull in more requests than the other, which made me come to a scary realization: it's all based on the agent's taste. All you can do is extensive research on what each one likes, of course--but what if I waste my ONE shot? Because that's all you get: one shot with each agent, per manuscript.

HOW TERRIFYING IS THAT THOUGHT, WHEN YOU KNOW HOW MANY HUNDREDS OF QUERY LETTERS AGENTS GET PER WEEK? Literary Agents work SO hard to find new clients, while still editing, and submitting, and reading contracts for the clients they already represent. I have so much respect for what they do, don't get me wrong. I'd actually really like to be an agent if my writing dreams don't pan out the way I hope (or maybe even do both!).

But from what I understand, your first sentence has to immediately catch their attention, or you go straight into the "deleted" folder. Some agents like you to dive right into the plot details. Some like you to start with a personalized greeting. Some don't specify anything at all about what they prefer on their website, so you're driven to scouring the web for interviews about what worked for clients of theirs. 

When I read those kinds of posts, I am equally parts jealous and hopeful. 

(Maybe a teensy more jealous than hopeful.)

I wanted to write a post like this before I get an agent, because as a querying writer, reading posts like that makes me drink more wine than I probably should. 

"So you have an agent now, but you received 12 rejections beforehand? And we 'need to just keep trying?' Yeah. I am trying. 

I know it sounds bitter, but those are the thoughts I have every time I read a "I snagged an agent!" post. First off, agents aren't fish for you to snag. They are your hardworking allies in the publishing business. Secondly, it stings to open Twitter every day and see an agent that just rejected you tweet, "I am proud to announce I have a new client! Welcome to my team, *insert writer's twitter handle*!" 

It stings a little bit deeper when that writer is someone you know. You want to be (and ARE) so, so happy for that person, but you can't help but wonder what they have that you don't?

Is it their story hook? Their prose? Their plot twists? Their character's voice? Their query letter?

I try SO hard not to be jealous as my fellow writers get agents and book deals, but some days it's really hard to watch people achieve the dream I want over and over again, while I rack up more rejections. I have sent SO many query letters over the course of seven years, and have gotten nine total requests, with eight rejections (one is still pending, and I'm super excited about it, while trying not to get my hopes up at the same time).

 I know I am not entitled to ANYTHING in the publishing world, and I am grateful to have the friends I have in the business. I love each one, and they are all *amazing* writers who have earned every good opportunity they've gotten. But deep down, under my intense excitement for their successes, it makes each rejection of my own hurt a little bit more. 

But those writers I have befriended on Twitter, and at workshops/college, are my TRUE allies. They will be the ones who are there for me to talk to when I am finally in the business with them, and querying is no longer the hardest thing I am facing. I know publishing is a fickle, sometimes terrible business, but if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough.

This twisted dream I have of being traditionally published is terrifying to me, but I still want to accomplish it more than anything. I am never giving up! It's just hard to fight through all the "Nopes" and "Not yets" to get to the one "YES THIS IS AMAZING GIVE IT TO ME NOW I WANT TO PAY YOU FOR THIS." I know my rejections mean I'm not quite ready, or that I (hopefully) just haven't yet found the one agent who will love, love, love it. 

I just needed to write a post that I can someday look back on, and realize that all the Agented Writer posts about how you just have to keep writing and keep trying were all REALLY SPOT ON. Also, I am NOT complaining about not being agented, because again, I know I am not entitled to one. I just needed to voice my inner struggles because I know there are people out there who feel the same way and are experiencing the same things, and hopefully we can band together while we work for what we want!

So here's to all my writer friends that are facing YOUR current "hardest thing"--whether it's finishing a draft, editing, writing a query letter, searching for an agent, waiting while your agent submits it to publishers, or any other tough things that are keeping you from your dreams! Don't get discouraged. It may not seem like it, but there are people going through the same things you are. 

We just have to stick together (and keep drinking wine)! 

**Also, for querying writers: If you haven't tried QueryTracker.com, PLEASE do so! It will make your life so much easier, and the basic features are free! I made an excel spreadsheet with my first MS, and it was more tiring than querying itself. This website has been a lifesaver for me this go-round.

And just FYI, because I love reading things like this on other writer's blogs:

WICKED ILLUSIONS, my 1st manuscript:

• Queries sent               = 94 
• Full/partial requests   =  7 (all ended in rejection)

*this manuscript was shelved for four years, but I am rewriting it now.

I am currently querying a different manuscript, SOUL RAIDERS, (which sparked the angst to write this post):

• Queries sent (so far)                = 37 
• Full/partial requests                 = 2 (one rejection, one still out with agent)
• Query rejections/no response  = 26

SMASH AND GRAB

My sweet friend and critique partner, Amy Christine Parker has a new book out this week!

So....

HAPPY BOOK BIRTHDAY-WEEK, AMY!!

*confetti*

*cupcakes*

*champagne*

 *girly screams*

How much do you LOVE this cover? I mean, I work at a bank and I think we should display this on the walls in the lobby. It's almost as beautiful as what's inside, so you should definitely go buy it, and read, and love it as much as I do. (CLICK ME TO GO TO AMAZON, but buy local and Indie if you can!) I have been reading and fan-girling over Amy's stuff for years, and she never fails to disappoint with suspense, twists, and loveable characters in her stories. 

She is an amazing writer, and I am a lucky girl to be able to call her my critique partner and friend!

Amy is doing a release-week-giveaway on her blog, so go check it out by CLICKING HERE, and enter to win some great books and other swag! 

And in honor of SMASH AND GRAB's release, I am going to choose my ultimate heist crew!

1.) Amy Christine Parker, obviously - since she spent a couple of years researching bank robberies while writing this book, and because I know she's pretty diabolical *cough* I mean, creative, she'd probably be a pro at planning the whole thing.

2.) Morgan Biggs - Morgan and I have been best friends for a long time, and I know that she would help me do anything. Also, Morgan is a very meticulous planner. She would go over our plans step by step and make sure we weren't missing important details!

3.) Travis Ebert - Travis is my boyfriend of two years, and he is one of the smartest people I have ever met. He's also super muscly, so not only could he figure out the more difficult parts of the heist, he could be my bodyguard if I needed one. Plus he's got a sock-it-to-em smile that could be a distraction if needed. :) 

4.) Miranda Green - Miranda is my other best friend, and she is the type who would help me bury a body and not ask any questions. Not saying my heist would go in this direction... But whatever mischief I get into, she'd be riding shot gun with a smile and a bottle of wine. My kind of girl! We'd "Thelma and Louise" it all the way to the desert.

5.) Carolyn Haines - Carolyn is an author who started as one of my creative writing professors in college, and eventually became a good friend. She is one of the bravest people I've ever met. I keep telling her that she NEEDS to write a memoir, because her life sounds like the greatest adventure I could ever imagine going on. She is devious, and delightful, and wicked smart--she'd be on every girl's dream heist team!

6.) Rachel Redding - Last, but certainly not least, is my big sister. It goes without saying that she would do whatever she had to do to protect me (much like our mom), but she is fearless and amazing, and she never gives up on anything. She never complains, and she succeeds in whatever she puts her heart into. She would be the perfect leader for our team!  

I hope all of you have friends who are as adventurous, creative, and intelligent as mine!

And, um, please don't actually go rob any banks. Just buy Amy's book and live it vicariously through her characters!

Smash your mouse clicker on that link above, and Grab it today!

Today I Became A Published Writer

Well, hey there! See that headline? It's true. My writer pants grew one size bigger today. There is a published article on the everlasting-internet with words that I wrote, and my name attached under the title. Cue the heart-eyes emoji. Cue the confetti and cupcakes. Cue the 12-year-old girl squeals.


Part of my daily routine is to read news sites like CNN and The Huffington Post when I have free time. While reading an article about divorce on the latter website one afternoon, I saw a call for new divorce bloggers.


Divorce is always such a touchy subject to write about. It's a very personal thing, and many things happen throughout the relationship and the breakup that most people don't know about. I went through a divorce at a young age, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do to this day. But writing about things helps me deal with them and get closure-- so I sat down and poured my heart out to my keyboard. I was so nervous, but I submitted the article anyway while I was still feeling somewhat brave.


Months went by without a response, so I put it out of my mind and chalked it up to another rejection letter. I'm getting used to those, as every writer should. Then one day, I saw the glorious, "RE: Story Submission," subject line in my inbox. The Huffington Post was interested in my article!


So I edited it down to half the word count of what I'd originally submitted, and created my HuffPost blogger profile. I finally felt like a real writer, and it was one of the most exciting days of my life. That excitement was doubled today when the article went live, but only for a moment.


The realization of what I'd just posted hit me like a ton of bricks when strangers started to give their two cents on my life, mental health, and marriage like they knew me better than I know myself. That always comes with being published though, and I was aware it would happen when I submitted. And honestly, it's good people are commenting, because that means people other than family, close friends, and agents are finally reading my work.


But I panicked for a moment, worried about who I might offend or hurt with my words, not to mention I was basically walking naked out into middle of the internet, waving my arms like a wacky-waving-inflatable-arm-flailing-tube-man.

E.g.

I just wanted to say that I am proud of myself for telling this story, because my nine-year relationship with my ex-husband was a big chunk of my life. I don't regret any of it, and I still care about his well-being. I mean no hard feelings towards anyone, but there are always two sides to every story. This one is mine. Or what I could condense into 800 words, anyway.


The most important thing is that we are both happy now, as he is getting married this month, and I am blissfully living with the most amazing man I've ever had the pleasure of loving.


I have never been happier in my personal life, and now I have a published article on a national website. Life is pretty good today. :D

Here it is!  

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stefanie-marks/rang-in-25th-birthday-with-divorce-papers_b_8210454.html

Life Is Beautiful

 

Dear Julia,

I just want you to know that you are so loved. I've thought about you at least 1,697 times today. I found myself crying in the middle of Target this afternoon because it seemed like every time I turned around, there you were. Pieces of your beautiful soul are everywhere. 

I've only known you for two years, but you have no idea what an impact you made on me in that short time. 

1.) The fact that from Day 1 of meeting me, you called me Stefani ("you know, like Gwen?") and never called me anything but.  

2.) The way you shared your addiction to chewy sweet tarts with me (thanks for that, by the way. Those things are like crack). 

3.) The way you sang "Georgia" every time anyone did a Waffle House deposit. 

4.) You were the only person I knew who shared a slight obsession with me over Leonardo DiCaprio, because he has somehow managed to get MORE good looking since Titanic. "Can't repeat the past? Oh I assure you, old sport, you can." (You can pretend to die in the ocean as a poor guy and then come back as a rich guy, only to actually die in a pool--our Great Gatsby/Titanic conspiracy theory!)

5.) Even though you sort of tortured Jade's cat (let's not forget the time you shaved him), I know deep down you really loved him. 

6.) And then there was the night that we both drank too much, yet you still rubbed my back while I threw up hot wings in some guy's driveway. 

ALL things I will never forget. 

But the way you lit up every room you entered was my favorite. I could have been having the worst day, and you would walk in and change the atmosphere of the entire building, making it impossible to not be happy. You had a presence about you that will continue to live on for years and years to come, because nobody that knew you can think about you and not smile. 

Not only could you always make everyone laugh, but you had the biggest heart. I'll never forget the day you told off the man in the doctor's office because he was making fun of his autistic son. And the little boy you bought Christmas presents for because he told you that Santa wasn't going to come see him this year. And even the day you insisted I take your hair tie because you couldn't stand to see me wad mine up with a rubber band, because you knew it would "hurt like a bitch" later, taking it out. You always saw the best in people (with that one exception that we'll just keep between us, because I totally agree with you) and it rubbed off on every single one.

You came from one of the most amazing families I've had the pleasure of meeting, and I know that they had a huge part in making you who you were. You can take comfort in the fact of knowing that virtually every one of the people who you have made friends with have been there to help, or have offered to help them get through this rough week. I have never seen so much food in one kitchen in my life. You are treasured by SO many people, sweet girl.

The day you stopped breathing was not the day your life ended. I am just ONE of the hundreds of people you have touched. Every time someone has a memory of you--and believe me, you are not the type of girl people will EVER forget--your life is carried on. Life IS beautiful, as you loved to say. And you can bet that none of us will ever take for that granted. Because after all, "YOLO, baby!" I love you, Joo-Ya!! You will be with me, always. 

               

NaNoWriMo 2013 Vlog!

HAPPY NANOWRIMO!!!!!!!

(Sorry for the crappy quality of the video. I didn't want to take the time to charge my camera and such.)

It's Not All True!

*squints* Blogger? Is that you??

HI!!!!

This is indeed NOT a mirage, but ME actually posting a new blog!

I have had several people become worried about me after reading my past few short stories (in combination with everything I’ve been through the past year, I kind of don’t blame them.) Yes, it’s true that writers channel their aggressions, fears, and sadness into their writing, but here’s the thing: WE’RE WRITERS. Our imaginations are INSANE, and we take our feelings and put them into stories or songs, and they tend to get elaborated in the process.

Take Taylor Swift, for example. Just by listening to her past three records, you would think she’s a batshit crazy, obsessive, “I’ll-boil-your-bunny” type of girlfriend. I think she’s actually a really nice girl. But she’s a writer. It’s the only way we know how to get our emotions out of our bodies so we can move on.

Writing is the most cathartic thing in the world to me. It is better than any kind of professional therapy, because when I write, I literally feel whatever it is that’s bothering me leave my soul.

Last week, I had quite a terrible break-down-and-cry sort of day.  It was thanks to a culmination of things—work, student loans, lack of sleep, and a sinus infection (among other things)—but I was feeling completely overwhelmed and stressed out with my life. I had a short story due, so instead of working on my manuscript, I opened a completely blank page and just started writing.

 I never know where I’m going with my short stories until they’re almost done, and when I got to the end of this one, I realized that I wanted it to have a happy ending. But I couldn’t bring myself to end it happily because of everything I’d put up with that day. So I tortured my character emotionally, and IT MADE ME FEEL BETTER. My mood took a complete turn in the opposite direction, because not only had I just found a way to get the sadness out of my head, I’d just written something I was pretty proud of.

So even if you aren’t a writer, YOU SHOULD WRITE. I am FIRM believer that saying how you feel on paper will always make you feel better. When I’m mad, I’ll open a blank word document and just type until I’ve said everything I want to say. Who cares about spelling or punctuation or correct grammar? It doesn’t matter. I’m telling you that getting it out of your mind—where it’s poisoning your thoughts—is the key to staying happy. Type it up, read it, delete it (or save it if you want to!) and I promise you’ll be able to move on with your life and forget about whatever it was that upsetting you.

So go write your feelings! Now!